I struggled deeply with my thoughts and feelings as I tried to go through my day. I kept resolving to not do it again, but then I’d remember how beautiful it was and how not conflicted I felt while doing it. How I felt excited in the days leading up to it. I had made up my mind to fuck him before it even happened.
But I’d be lying if I said that today I wasn’t shaken. What kind of mother am I? I was so ashamed, so guilty. I was scared that I had ruined my relationship with my son. I had abused my authority as a parent, he would see that at some point and look down on me for it.
Later in the afternoon I got a text from David.
Hey Mom. You ok?
Yeah. I’m ok. Thank you for asking.
I’ve been thinking about you all day..
I’ve been thinking a lot too. Can we talk tonight?
Yeah of course..
There was a few minutes pause between texts. I could see him typing and then stop multiple times.
Are you regretting what we did?
I don’t know. Its just a lot to process baby. I’m embarrassed. As a mother, I need to be stronger than that..
I’m weak, baby. Please forgive me. I’ve just been so lonely.
I hope you don’t mean that..
I didn’t know what to say. I did mean it. But also, it was beautiful. He was beautiful and connecting with him in that way made me feel more alive than I had felt in years. If not ever..
I guess we’ll talk later, Mom.
My heart sank. I could tell he was upset, but what else could I do? It was the best sex of my life by far but the idea of moving forward with it was something I had trouble even imagining. Would I be living in fear of my secret coming out? Would I be hurting my son and keeping him from future relationships and starting a family of his own?
I can’t do that to him, I thought.
When I got home and pulled into the driveway, I saw that David’s car was there. My nerves were going crazy. As I floated into the house, I saw that nothing had changed from when I left. Our clothes from last night still laid where they had fell. I picked up my nightie from the living room and then his pajama pants from the kitchen before I went upstairs.
David’s door was closed. I quietly tiptoed past and put his pajamas against the door on the floor. I went into my bedroom and shut the door. I needed a shower. I had been running around all day and I needed to clear my head. Also, my anxiety tended to make me sweat.
My shower was long and hot. I was trying to clean all my shame and guilt away but it didn’t work. I was scared to face David. I washed my hair and my face. At a certain point, the water pressure changed a little bit. That usually indicated we were both showering at the same time.
As I got out, I went through my routine of lotioning up my body. My hair was wet and I just combed it back behind my head. I didn’t put on any makeup or deodorant, as I was just planning on sleeping. I brushed my teeth and stared at myself in the mirror, trying to think of what I could say to David. After I finished rinsing my mouth, I put on my thick, terrycloth robe. I went and sat on my bed and stared into space for a while.