She did a little turn for me in the foyer. Her dress flew out a flew inches as she spun. I like that.
“So?” she asked. Mom had her dark hair done differently, some big curls and waves and flips instead of her usual flat. Dark red lipstick and gorgeous eye makeup completed her look. She was waiting for me to say something.
“Fabulous… fabulous… holy shit… you don’t look like anybody’s mother!”
She flashed me a demure smile, seductively put a fingertip in her mouth, turned halfway and kicked up a heel.
“Like the shoes?”
Black patent leather, stiletto heels, and extra straps that went up her ankle far more than is legal in some southern states. The heels were perfect; high, but not so high as to make one look stupid when they walk.
“Holy shit, Mom! Where’s dad’s gun? I think we’ll need one tonight!”
Mom laughed.
“I’m serious!” I continued. “We’re not taking the Explorer. I’m getting the Jag keys!”
Dad’s Jaguar, a 1963 XKE with a 12-cylinder engine, didn’t get out much. I wasn’t allowed to drive it. He inherited it from a rich uncle some years back and he probably put 200 miles a year on it. He probably spent a thousand dollars a year on it just trying to keep it running, too. Brits, good people but don’t understand much about electrical systems.
I started the Jag, she just purred like a kitten. I backed her out of the garage. Mom reached for the door to get in, but I stopped her. I jumped out and ran around to her side. Taking her hand, I eased her into the seat.
Revving the engine, the car shook and vibrated, filling us with promise of a fast and dangerous ride!
I popped the clutch and tore down the street. 13 minutes to go! We screeched and careened and did a couple power slides but still made it to the restaurant about ten minutes late. The valet took the car and backed it in, right by the front door. That’s respect!
The waiting area was crowded, I was trying to check in with the Maitre’ D. Mom was behind some tall asshole.
“Yes,” Fritz was saying to me. “But you see, sir, we are very busy tonight and we can’t hold tables all night…”
Tall guy moved away and Mom came into view and held my arm, and smiled her award winning smile at old Fritz. Really, she did win an award in 8th grade for best smile. We only tell the truth… ok I’ll shut up.
“… but… you are in luck as a table by the window just opened up. This way, please?”
Mom made sure to brush her breast against Fritz a little, and complimented him on his tie. I tried to tip him $50, he refused. No, no money! Not for such a beauty as this! You need your money young man!
The waiter came up right away.
“Good evening folks! Welcome to Fleming’s! And, may I just say that your mother looks stunning tonight on this Mother’s Day weekend…” He smiled, all pleased with himself.
I spoke very slowly, and very quietly, but with passion.
“This… isn’t… my… mother… you insolent, arrogant, insulting fool!”
Mom did a face palm.
“Now look what you’ve done, you’ve embarrassed her! Fritz!” I stood up to get Fritz and a ruckus ensued. Could I describe the ruckus? Not really. Just a bunch of staff rushing around, apologizing, bringing a champagne bucket with Fritz’ compliments, a pate’ that was obviously on it’s way to another table, and various breads and rolls, and what else can we get for you? We got a new waiter, too. She was much better and kept her damn mouth shut. The other guy was moved across the room so we didn’t have to see him. They assured us of that. We finally placed our orders and they left us alone.
“Who knew you were such a little shit?” Mom asked. But she was laughing, also.
“Hey, I learned from the best.”
“Well,” she continued. “If I’m not your mother, then maybe we should sit a little bit closer, don’t you think?” And we scooted closer. I placed my arm around her, my hand on her warm, bare back. I toyed with her hair as we sipped champagne. Good man, that Fritz.
“Mmmm,” Mom cooed. “That’s better. Now we look like a couple.” And she patted my knee under the table. And she kept it there. And I almost said that they can’t see under the table but I was able to shut my stupid mouth up just in time.
