Mom has a surprise pregnancy

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My mouth must have been open because Mom put her forefinger under my chin and applied pressure until I shut my mouth.

“Do you understand?”

One word came to my mind: “No.”

Mom took a breath, and looked as if explaining was going to be a chore. “When you first told me what you had done, I was in shock. The idea that you had done something so bold, so wild, so unpredictable was something that tore me from reality. I was a blank. Then I was furious. I felt violated. You had taken the most intimate decision possible for a woman away from me: choosing the father of my child.”

“I’m sorry, Mom. It’s just—” Mom held up her hand.

“That’s how I looked at it at first. Then, I looked at it from the long view of our failures—your father’s and mine. All the years we went childless. They were all because of him.” She looked at me as if considering sharing a confidence. Then she decided. “Your father is much older than me. At first, when we were younger, it didn’t seem so pronounced. But, as years went by, let’s say his vigor has waned. He’s lost total interest in the bedroom.”

“Mom!” I definitely hadn’t signed up for this.

“This is important for you to know. I want to give you the choice you didn’t give me. And I’m presenting the facts as they exist. Your Dad, the doctors said, has a very low sperm count. They said the last time was… what did they call it? A happy anomaly. It had worked and we both thanked God it had.”

“Now you know the truth, and you hate me for it.”

“I don’t hate you. I didn’t think twice about the anomaly or miracle or accident or luck, or anything. When I heard I was pregnant, that was the happiest moment of my like—since YOU were born.”

She leaned in and kissed my cheek, the hurt one.

“Sitting out here thinking, and watching that damned video again, made me think that since I’ve already been impregnated with my son’s baby, why not do it again? I know now there was no miracle and there would be no future miracle with your father alone. I would never have another baby.”

Mom made her hard and determined face, gritted her teeth together, and growled out: “AND, I WANT another baby!”

“Do I get a say in this? Do I get a chance to think it over?”

“You get all the way until tomorrow when you drive your father to the clinic, ejaculate into the spare cup, and make the switch. Do you understand what you’re going to do? Have you made a decision yet, or do I have to explain it another way?”

“No, Mom, I think I’m good. But, it was only luck that it happened the last time. What if I can’t—”

You’re going to drive your father to the clinic, ejaculate, and make the switch. Drive, ejaculate, switch. What’s the plan?”

“Drive, ejaculate, switch.” Mom didn’t look like she wanted any variations in the plan, either.

“Good. And one thing you’re NOT going to do from now till then: you’re not going to jerk off. Understand? You think I don’t see those tissues in your basket. Pull-eeeze!”

“Mom! My room is private!”

“My uterus is private, but it got invaded by your sperm. And, stay away from your slut friend, Carrie. I never liked her and I won’t have you being tempted to lose that load until this is over. Capisce?”

“Carrie’s my girlfriend, Mom. You shouldn’t talk about her like that.”

“I’m glad you’re going to separate colleges. In a few months I won’t have to worry about her any more.”

Our argument about Carrie would have continued, but Dad came in the kitchen door, smiling.

“Talking about me?” he asked.

Mom and I looked at each other. If he were looking for it, he would have seen we looked guilty. But, we shouldn’t have because that was what he said any time he came into the house.

“You’re early,” Mom said.

“Yeah, a client canceled this afternoon, so I called the clinic and moved up the appointment. Went in, boom! A day early. All done! And, they recalculated your cycle and said tomorrow’s your best day, so I moved you up.”

*************************************

Dad was happy. Mom was not. I was relieved.

This meant I didn’t have to try some fertilization espionage that most likely would have gone totally wrong and gotten me into trouble I couldn’t talk my way out of. The first time I did it was a crime of opportunity. This time, the opportunity was completely missing.

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