Nudity is For The Birds

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The lovely redhead carefully affixed the two small, self-adhesive name tags, one above each beautiful breast. With the marker, she had carefully crossed out the “I’m” and written in “We’re.” As had become expected, she received the amused shakes of three heads. Like everyone else, her sorority sisters had no idea what Robin was thinking.

Naked except for their small purses and their shoes (two pairs of canvas sneakers, Christine’s wedged heels that stretched her long tanned legs out even more than usual, and the eye roll-worthy blue Topsiders), the girls headed toward the gate, prepaid tickets in hand. No tickets were ever sold at the gate or the day of the event, and no alcohol was allowed inside, to limit unruliness and appease the local authorities.

—–

“Come on, Jaybird. It’ll be fun.”

“There’ll be titties. Lots and lots of titties.”

“Riddle-me Red will be there.”

Jay looked up that last. “How the hell do you know?”

Vern, the big, lumbering former guard on the local high school football team, now a part time janitor at the one of the two rubber band factories in town, shrugged. “She was there the last two years and she’s here at Mount for summer school classes again.”

Jay knew why they wanted him to go: Billy had been called in to work at the family IGA grocery store today and no way was Vern not getting paid for the fourth ticket. In 1983, ten dollars was no chump change. Otherwise, Jay was not usually on the top of their list for “it’ll be fun” weekend company, especially if titties might be involved.

Even though he has gone to elementary and middle school with the rest of them, Jay was considered odd. He’d disappeared to go “back East” somewhere to a special college for the young and gifted. Now 19, he would have a college degree by Christmas. None of the others had any schooling past graduating from the miserable local high school, except Billy with one year worth of marketing and general Ed. classes at “Tri-C,” the local community college. Even Mount Unity, known mainly for its Ag department, seemed an intellectual world apart to them.

Riddle-me Red. Vern had come up with the name when he came back with stories from the Birthday Suit Bazaar two years ago. Held back in second grade, he was a year older than the rest of the boys in his class, so he had met the eighteen year age cut off a summer sooner.

In the small town, Red stood out, and once the guys saw Brainiac Jay (if Vern been had been a little quicker with words and thought, ‘Jayniac’ would have been the kind of teasing label he would have used tirelessly) turn into a clumsy fool at the sight of her, they were merciless.

Other than Brainiac, the best Vern had been able to do in terms of nicknames for him had been Jaybird, after Jay had been spotted bird watching as a twelve year old in an orchard outside town, his dad’s heavy old binoculars around his neck. Bird watching, like being smart and reading anything not specifically required, was just plain odd.

With the limited creativity Vern generally showed, it was no wonder he was so proud of coming up with Riddle-me Red. Taking a line from the Riddler on Batman from TV and combining it with another word that started with the same letter (alliteration was not a word in Vern’s world) was the very peak of his inventive prowess.

Brainiac Jay’s public downfall had been at Fred’s Root Beer drive-in last summer. Riddle-me herself had passed near as Jay was carrying a full tray of root beer in frosty thick glass mugs, burgers, and deep-fried mushrooms. Distracted by the sighting, his foot had caught on the low curb he had stepped over successfully since he’d been a toddler, sending food flying. It has gone downhill from there when she bent over to help him. He caught a glimpse of her cleavage as she leaned down and he turned into a stuttering klutz, failing three times before he got the spilled mugs and now soaked paper-wrapped food back onto the tray.

Vern and Billy had witnessed it from Billy’s old “three on the tree” Ford pickup, howling with laughter. The story had only grown from there with each telling. The worst part of the teasing was the truth behind it: Jay found girls in general rather confounding, especially pretty ones, and the redhead was the prettiest girl he had ever seen.

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