Separated mother looks at her son in a new light

I remember Tyler being a senior in high school and starting on the Varsity basketball team when I found myself looking at him in more than just a motherly way. I loved my son very much, but growing inside of me was the urge to protect him from the world, and after time passed, it was my own self that he needed protected from. Often late at night, I would wake up and immediately drift to a state of mind of loneliness and confusion, and I would cry myself back to sleep. I knew I needed counseling but was too scared to admit to anyone that I had become sexually attracted to my own teenage son. I was afraid of being judged or even worse, turned into the police. I knew what I had been feeling was wrong and that a mother should never feel this way about her own flesh and blood. Why was it happening to me, I often wondered, but never could find the answer, and had no one to turn to?

Over the next couple of months I did a lot of researching on the internet trying to meet other women online who had experienced the same feelings that I have been feeling. We discussed these sorts of topics but mostly there problems dealt with their sons being attracted to them and not the other way around. Some of the women however, did offer help and advised me to go out and try to date. A lot easier said than done when I didn’t have a lot of friends since my husband and I were separated. The vast majority of my friends were also his. There are a few co-workers I get along with but no one that I can see myself dancing the night away with, if you know what I mean.

My feelings grew stronger towards Tyler and I started to become jealous when he started to date a girl named Brittany. Brittany and Tyler spent a lot of time together on weekends and even during the week nights at our house. I could see it in Tyler’s eyes that he was in love with her and she was with him. She was very pretty girl with long natural red curly hair with a perfect smile and came from a wealthy family. I had witnessed them kissing late one night when I had woken up from my sleep and was thirsty. I walked to the kitchen for a drink of water and they sat there outside on the deck steps lip locked as Brittney’s fingers caressed Tyler’s face. I stood there staring at them got a good two minutes before closing my own eyes to imagine myself out in the night with Tyler…looking into his eyes…holding his hand…whispering to him I love him, all while feeling his lips pressed against mine. My imagination ran wild on a nightly basis and the more I imagined, the more I desired Tyler.

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One Sunday in May, it was Tyler’s high school graduation. I was a very proud mom as he walked across the stage holding up his diploma and smiling at me as I stood there cheering for him from the balcony seat of the theater. I wanted to grab him, and hold him, and hug him. I rushed down to the lobby when the graduates were dismissed and wrapped my arms tightly around my graduate. The only bad thing is that Brittany was clinging on to him wherever he went. After one to two hours of this misery and almost getting sick to my stomach I decided to give Tyler one more motherly hug and kiss on his lips head home.

I had planned to make Tyler a special dinner that night to celebrate his success but on my drive home my phone started to ring. It was Tyler. “Hey there sweetie” I answered. I could hear a lot of background noise when Tyler was speaking. He was informing me that he was going to head to his friends house for a graduation party and would probably stay overnight. “Aww Tyler” I said in disappointment knowing my plans were spoiled, but I couldn’t be upset at him. After all, it was his graduation, and I wanted to him to have a fun time with his classmates, or former classmates I should say. “Promise me that you will not drink and drive, and if Brittany goes be sure to take care of her. Do not let her get into any trouble, and be nice to her. I know she loves you.” I said to Tyler hoping he would believe that I really did like her. And I did, but I just wish she wasn’t around him every day and night. “I will be sure to have a nice breakfast for you in the morning since I won’t be able to make you a special graduation dinner” I said to him as we got off the phone. “Sounds great mom, see you later” he said hanging up in a hurry.

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The night couldn’t have dragged on any slower. I warmed up some cold cheese pizza that we ordered the night before and sat down on the couch to scarf it down. There wasn’t much on television either and I already had watched all of the shows that I recorded on the DVR throughout the week before. I decided to open my lap top and kill some time on Facebook and waste the night away. There wasn’t much happening on there, just some graduation ceremony pictures being posted by some friends whose child also graduated earlier with Tyler. I decided to get up and pour a glass of homemade Sangria that I have been chilling in my refrigerator since the morning. The house was quiet and it seemed somewhat scary. I knew that the nights would become this way every night once Tyler left for college in August. Deep down my heart was aching. I needed to find someone to share my life with but it was hard. I decided to try my luck and sign up for a few dating websites. “What could it hurt?” I wondered to myself out loud. I deserve to be happy. But it seemed that every guy I encountered for the next few hours only wanted what most guys want.

To my surprise, a woman whose user identification was “indulgnme” had sent me a message and she was local. I never really have had an interest in another woman but her picture was cute and introduced herself to me as “Kimberly.” I find out that she only lived a few minutes away and just moved in to the subdivision next to mine. She also was in the process of divorcing and after a few back and forth messages our conversation got a little deeper and I told her about my problems with Tyler going off to college and with being lonely. She too was in a similar position as I. Her oldest daughter, Jessica, left for college a few years ago, but she has another daughter who would be attending the same school that Tyler just graduated from.

We spent some time chatting back and forth about our lives before she proposed that we hang out sometime or maybe have a few drinks at the steakhouse which was right down the street. She seemed really nice and I figured that it couldn’t hurt meeting her. Shortly after agreeing to meet, she messaged me her number and suggested talking on the phone. I told her that I had a few things to do around the house but I would give her a call when I was finished, and I did after I got ready for bed and lay down.

I was quite nervous as her phone continued to ring but when she answered she sounded very sweet. Her voice was soft and had bit of a country to it. I haven’t ever met anyone from the internet but so far she seemed like someone that is trustworthy. We talked about our favorite drinks and she told me the story of her first ever alcoholic drink. She was nineteen at the time and she spilled the entire glass on her soon to be ex husband. They had been married for seventeen years and the decided to call it quits when they both realized they weren’t in love with each other anymore. We started talk about men in general and we both agreed that men are assholes but we couldn’t live without them. She was very open but it was pleasing knowing that I was someone she could be so open with so quickly. “I hate men, but love their dicks” she bluntly said causing me to nearly choke on my own drink that I was sipping. Everything was going great and I had a new friend until she asked the one question that potentially changed my life forever

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