“Mac, we need to talk.” She said as I came in from work. She was still dressed in her business suit from where she worked as an accountant. I was dressed in my coveralls from where I worked, overseeing my chocolate business.
I’m Angus ‘Mac’ MacDougall, and my wife is Margaret Sullivan-MacDougall. Yes, she hyphenates her last name. Pretty pretentious, if you ask me. But whatever. She goes by Maggie. I’m of Scottish descent, and she’s of Irish descent. Of course, that should have been my first clue that we weren’t really compatible, but shit! I was in love with her golden blonde hair and green eyes and rockin’ body at first sight!
We’d met ten years earlier when I’d just gotten out of the Army and we started college together. She was 18, and I was 22. I was using the G.I. Bill to get a culinary degree, and she was going for, of course, the aforementioned Accounting degree. For some odd reason, we hit it off.
It was probably that she was a chocolate connoisseur, and I wanted to make chocolate candy and cookies and basically anything chocolate, come to think of it. My Mom had a thing for chocolate, and so did a lot of women. It was a seller’s market, with chocolate always in high demand.
While most businesses do most of their sales at Christmas time, chocolateers can make bank all year ’round. Christmas, of course, but also Valentine’s Day, Easter, Independence Day, etc. et al. Valentine’s Day is in a dead heat with Christmas for chocolate demand, and my little chocolate shop/factory does better business at Valentines than Christmas, most years.
Oh, and I HATE my first name. Angus. Seriously, mom? You HAD to go and name me fuckin’ Angus?! I introduce myself as Mac to everyone. NOBODY calls me Angus, not even my wife. Ok, Mom and Dad call me Angus, but ONLY when they’re pissed off at me. Every other time, I’m Mac.
So Maggie had just told me that we needed to talk. I tensed up immediately, since EVERY GUY ON EARTH knows what those four words mean when strung together in a sentence. We know it and fear it. “We need to talk” has been the forerunner of break-ups and Divorces since the dawn of time.
So it was with a sense of impending doom that I sat down at he table and looked at her. I knew my world was about to come crumbling down around me. 10 years together. 8 of those happily married. Well, I had been happily married. I had believed the same of Maggie. I flashed through the possible reasons for what she was about to say.
Sex? No way! We had sex on a regular basis, usually 4 or 5 times a week, and marathon sessions at that! I NEVER failed to get her off multiple earthshattering times. We had a great sex life!
Money? Not likely. I was pulling down 6 figures a year net, close to a quarter mill after everything was settled with overhead, payroll for my employees, taxes, etcetera. We were doing very well here. Our combined income was close to $375K a year. We were NOT hurting.
Lack of Love? Not on my part. I loved her with all my heart and soul! Had she fallen out of love with me somewhere along the way? Hell, we’d just been talking about starting a family a week ago!
She interrupted my reverie by pushing the dreaded manila envelope across the kitchen table to me as I sat down.
“Maggie, please tell me this isn’t what I think it is.” I looked at her, and her face was a studied mask that betrayed nothing.
“I’m sorry, Mac.” She said softly. “I should have talked to you before, but I want a divorce.”
“Why?” I asked with far more calm in my voice than I was feeling at that moment.
“It’s complicated.” She hedged, looking away.
“You met someone else.” I must have been in shock, since I still hadn’t flown into a rage.
“Yes.” She said even more softly, barely whispering.
“How long?” I asked. God, what was wrong with me?! I should have been standing and seething, pacing back and forth as I called her everything but a Child of God. I should have been threatening the Asshole for whom she was trading me in! I should have felt something other than total numbness!
“8 months.” She said.
I closed my eyes. “8 months.” I repeated. “You’ve been cheating on me for 8 fuckin’ months, and the first I hear about it is that you want a Divorce.” I shrugged. “I suppose you’re going to take me to the cleaners in court. Since Alienation of Affection isn’t looked kindly upon here in California, I’m left with very little recourse, here.”
“No, Mac.” She said as she shook her head slowly. “Your business is yours. Not mine. The house is mine by inheritance from my grandparents, but I will give you a few days to vacate. After you’ve found your own place, of course. I’ll be seeking marginal alimony for a while, until I remarry. Nothing bank breaking, though.
I sighed. “Do I know him?” I asked at length.
“If you harm him in any way, you’ll end up in jail.” She said unnecessarily. Not that I didn’t want to fuck him up, but I didn’t want to lose my business, either.
“I know that. I think I have a right to know who’s been horning me for the past 8 months, though.” I shrugged.
“Reginald Pennington.” She said, holding her head up straight. Son of a bitch! That, friends, was bombshell #2. I HATED him already, even before this.
Ok, now I was fuckin’ angry! I closed my eyes and took deep breaths to calm myself. Reginald FUCKHEAD Pennington. Blonde, blue eyed, mega-rich from Old Money, Hitler’s ideal for the “master race”, you name it. Oh, and ultra-snobby with a racist bigoted streak a mile wide, too.
I had warned Maggie about him after we had dinner with him to discuss some of the charities we were all involved with at the time. She’d laughed off my warning and told me he was harmless. Yeah, right! Harmless like a fuckin’ rattlesnake!
We’d met him at a charity event in our community, and even then I didn’t like the way he’d been looking at Maggie. He looked at me with disdain, and looked at her with pure lust in his eyes.
My anger barely under control, I finally managed to look Maggie in the eyes again. “Well, I guess there isn’t much I can do about it, then.” I shrugged as nonchalantly as I could.
“I wish it hadn’t come to this, Mac.” She smiled sadly, which I knew was an act. She was just trying to “ease” my pain. I saw through it for what it really was, though.
“That’s a lie, Mags.” I said evenly. My brain was now working on a plan. “But whatever. I’m not going to contest the divorce, as long as it is what you say it is. I’ll have my lawyer go over the papers with me before I sign them, you know.”
She nodded. “I wouldn’t expect anything less, Mac. Just so you know, it wasn’t anything you did or didn’t do. Reginald and I just clicked on a soul level. I really do love you, but I’m in love with him. I’m really sorry it has to be this way, Mac.”
What a load of bullshit! She was “in love” with his money. His family is worth billions. The night of the charity ball we’d attended, he’d danced too close to Maggie, and as they separated, I noticed him adjusting himself after she was coming back to our table. I knew for a fact that he didn’t have enough to satisfy her in bed. I almost missed the fact that he had a hard-on under his tight slacks until he adjusted it. I had to, as I did then, suppress a laugh at the fact that at least cock-wise, Maggie was trading way down from my 7 1/2 inch Beast with the cut head and the 2 1/2 inch width.
But since I didn’t want to rock the boat quite yet, I just said “I’m sorry too.”
Well, after that little talk, she handed me the manila envelope. “You’ll be officially served in the morning, Mac. I’ll meet you with my lawyer at Tim’s office. This is just a preview of what I want from the settlement.” She’s referring to Tim Grayson, my best bud since grade school, and my lawyer in all things since I started MacDougall’s Chocolate Factory.
“You know what? Get rid of the alimony, and you have a done deal. Reggie is rich. You don’t need my money, do you?” I knew it was a longshot, but shit! She owed me that at the very least!
She seemed to think about it. Hell, if she went for it, I might not even go through with the plan that had already semi-formed in my head.
“No, Mac. I need something from all of this. After all, I did waste 10 years of my life with you.” Oh HELL NO! That statement right there, that our entire marriage, indeed our entire time together while dating and being engaged, had just been a waste of her time, galvanized me. I looked at the proposed alimony, and raised one eyebrow. She wanted $2200 a month in alimony for two years, or until she remarried, whichever came first. That was about half of what I made per month after overhead and paying my workers. I could live on it, and I had more than enough saved in my personal savings account.
I pretended to think about it. “Fine. I guess that it will be worth it in the end.” I shrugged finally. “I’m going to pack now. I’m leaving tonight.”
And I did. I packed my suitcase and suit bag with my clothes, toiletries, and all that shit. I also packed my extensive music CD collection that included everything from Marty Robbins to Metallica to Mozart. Yeah, it encompassed all those genres. Hell, I even had some Sir Mixalot in there just for shits and grins.
I loaded it all into Bullitt, my 1968 Mustang Fastback 390 GT, and left out of there. I was gone in less than an hour, and calling Kat on my cellphone as soon as I was on the road.
“Hey, Mac. What’s up?” Kat answered on the second ring.
“Kat, I just got kicked out and I’m going to be served Divorce papers in the morning at Tim’s office. Maggie is ‘trading up’, at least in her mind.” I snorted, the bitterness finally showing through in my voice.
“Shit! Are you kiddin’ me?!” She sounded as shocked as I felt.
“Nope. I’ll be staying at the Holiday Inn until I can find a place.” I replied.
“Oh HELL no! You get your ass over to my place right now, mister Man!” She was ‘going ghetto’ on me, as she puts it.
“Fine! Yes, ma’am!” I chuckled in spite of myself.
“Good. See ya when I see ya.” She Ended the call, and I couldn’t help but smile and shake my head ruefully.
Katrina Monroe is my Manager at the chocolate factory. She looks quite a bit like Aisha Tyler, only a bit younger. Just as tall, though. 6 feet of Nubian goddess. We all call her Kat, and she doesn’t object. Her boyfriend, Darius Jackson, plays for the L.A. Dodgers, which made him cool in my book. He was on a road trip right now for 8 games, and would be back sometime next week.
That gave me a few nights at Kat’s place in her guestroom before he got back. Hell, Darius was cool with me, so I might be able to stay even longer.
No. I needed to find my own place. Hell, I could probably buy an affordable house outright with what I had in the bank… But then, the 50/50 split in community property hadn’t taken place yet. FUCK! Yeah, I’d have to probably rent an apartment for a while before I could afford my own house again.
My thoughts were interrupted as I realized that I was close to Kat’s place. Her boyfriend only stayed there sometimes, but he kept after Kat to move in with him down in L.A. Kat wouldn’t budge yet, though. She wanted a full-on commitment from him first. As in a ring-on-finger commitment.
So here I was, 32 years old, still in good shape, already a millionaire, but shit on and wiped out by the woman I had fallen in love with and married. My soon-to-be-ex-wife, the cheating gold digging slut.
I pulled into Kat’s driveway and parked right next to her little Ford Fusion. I swear to God, that little car cowered in fear of Bullitt. I smirked as I gave Bullitt one more gun of the engine before shutting down the big V-8.
As I opened the trunk and grabbed my suitcase, I saw Kat open the door and walk out in just some daisy dukes and tank top. I caught my breath as I took in her full breasts, straining at the tank top, her long silky legs, and her gorgeous round ass. I quickly pushed those thoughts from my head, however.
I closed the trunk and walked toward her, and Kat let me in without a word. The look on her face was one of disbelief, warring with several other emotions. I’m pretty sure I was still in shock at this point. Yes, I was in shock. It was how I was still functioning.
But no sooner had I gotten inside, but I dropped the suitcase and collapsed to my knees. The depths of what had happened finally, FINALLY sank into my shock addled brain. I had compartmentalized it as long as I could, but now it all came bursting out of my mental compartment and out of my eyes. Great wracking sobs shook my body as the tears flowed freely, and I felt two long female arms go around my shoulders as Kat knelt beside me.
I clung to her desperately, her presence alone holding me in this world and keeping me from completely withdrawing into myself.
“Shh, it’s ok now. You’re going to be fine, Mac.” She soothed.
“No I won’t.” I shook my head. Yes, I was wallowing in self-pity. I admit that freely.
Her response was to pull my head to her ample bosom, and I felt loved at that moment. The love of a very good friend, but at least I felt love from somebody.
She drew me to my feet with her and we walked… Ok, she walked and I stumbled into the living room and collapsed on her big leather couch.
“Hey, we can watch Darius play! Dodgers are playing the Braves tonight in Atlanta!” She was trying to cheer me up, and she knows how much I love Baseball.
I sniffled like a kid. “Ok, I guess it couldn’t hurt.” I tried a smile, but I think it ended up as more of a grimace.
She turned on the TV and the game was in the 4th Inning in Atlanta. The score was already 4 – 2, Dodgers. That actually did cheer me up, and took my mind off of my own woes.
Kat got us both a beer, and we watched the game together. It went back and forth for a while, but we ended up winning in extra Innings. By the end, we were laughing and cheering as Darius caught the fly ball to end the game and secure another great Dodgers victory!
I was taking a big swig of the local microbrew when all of a sudden, Kat’s laughter stopped.
“You have GOT to be fuckin’ kiddin’ me!” She exclaimed loudly, her mouth open in shock as she glared daggers at the TV. I followed her gaze, and saw Darius kissing some woman on there. Not just a friendly peck, either. They were engaged in a heated round of tonsil hockey.
“Is there something in the water?” I wondered aloud. It was all I could think of to say as I saw Kat’s relationship go down the drain along with my marriage.
“Must be a cheatin’ drug in the damn water!” She snarled. I glanced at her, and the fire in her dark brown eyes made ME nervous. “And a WHITE woman?! That son of a bitch! He said he doesn’t even like white women!”
I listened to her going off on him for about 20 minutes, then she looked at me and broke down in sobs of her own. I returned her favor from earlier, holding her as she let it all out. When she was all cried out, she looked at me with bloodshot eyes that pretty much mirrored my own.
“Look at us, huh? Two of a fuckin’ kind.” She laughed sadly, and I smiled as a few stray tears ran down my face too.
“Well, at least Maggie did it to me in private.” I shrugged. “That fucktard did it on National Television. I’m so sorry, Kat.”
“Not your fault, hon.” She hugged me tight, then reached for her cellphone. “Scuse me while I call his cheatin’ ass and tell him what fuckin’ time it is.”
“No problem.” I nodded as she hit his speed-dial button.
“Hey, Darius… Uh huh. Yep, we saw the game. Mac came over, since his cheatin’ bitch wife is divorcing him and kicked him out… No, he’s going to be staying with me for a few days… Just until he can find his own place… No, and that brings me to why I’m calling you. I saw you playing tonsil tag with that ho!” She stopped and listened for a few seconds, rolling her eyes. She silently placed her finger to her lips and hit Speaker so I could listen in. I nodded in understanding.
“But baby, I’m just playin’. I got needs, ya know. She don’t mean nothin’ to me. I just need a little somethin’ somethin’ on the side while I’m on the road. You gotta know that.” Asshole was whining and wheedling. Dumbfuck didn’t belong on the Dodgers now, as far as I was concerned.
“Well, Darius, we are done now.” She said with iron in her voice. “I’ll have the shit you left here sent back to your place in L.A. I don’t want to see you, hear from you, or anything. Ya feel me?”
“But baby…” He started, sounding desperate.
“Nuh uh. You lost the right to call me baby when you sucked face with that ho on National Television. I don’t play that shit! We are done. D-O-N-E. Finished. F-I-N-I-S-H-E-D! Get that into your head right now! Goodbye, Darius. I hope the bitch was worth it!”
Before he could whine anymore, Kat Ended the call and blocked his number. She looked at me and gave me a rueful smirk. “Well, that’s that. Zero Tolerance.”
I nodded. “Zero Tolerance. I agree, Kat. Cheaters don’t deserve second chances.”
“So, what is she doing with the Divorce? Don’t even tell me she’s going to take you to the cleaners! I swear, I’ll smack the blonde off her head!” Kat always got me going with her euphemisms, and I found myself grinning at that one.
“Strangely, no. She wants $2200 a month in alimony, probably so I won’t try to stand in the way of her getting remarried ASAP, but other than that, the settlement she’s offering is very fair.” I shrugged. I was all cried out, and had come into the ‘acceptance’ phase of Divorce Grief.
Ok, ‘acceptance’ was way off. I wanted to make them pay, and now that I was thinking clearly, my plan was coming into shape in my head. It would depend on a few things, like who was catering their wedding, but the more I went over it in my head, the better it felt.
“So she must be serious about the asshole? Did she tell you who it was?” Kat asked.
“Yeah, and you’re going to love this. Reginald Pennington IV.” I smirked.
Kat’s eyes went wide. “Shit! I never woulda taken Maggie for a gold digger!”
“Neither would I, until now. She had everyone fooled, apparently.” I shrugged. “Her parents never liked me, so I’m pretty sure they pushed her into it, at least a little. I was never ‘good enough’ for their little darling.” Ok, I have to admit that I let my bitterness show through there for a moment.
“Well, fuck ’em.” Kat shrugged. “I can see the wheels turning, Mac. What are you planning?”
Kat could always see when I was thinking really hard. She saw it often enough at work when I’d have to solve some problem in the shop or the factory.
“Revenge of monumental proportions.” I smiled serenely as I told her. “Just trust me on this. It will make a lasting impression on them for the rest of their lives.”
“Ok, I’m almost afraid to ask. What you got so far?” Kat was chuckling now.
I laid out my basic plan for her, and she erupted into gut-busting laughter. “You are one CRAZY mothafucka!” She squealed as tears of laughter fell down her face. “Ok, we need to figure out how to do this shit!”
So we did. We stayed up, drinking beers and hashing out our plan of action for when the wedding would take place. We figured that in 3 months, since I wasn’t going to fight the Divorce, that they’d get married 1 to 6 months after that. We’d be ready, and if I could remain cordial with Maggie, and yes, even Reginald, I might be able to get into the wedding without crashing it.
By the time I took my suitcase and bag into the guestroom, it was well after midnight. I told Kat that I would be late into the shop, since I had to go see Tim to sign the Divorce papers in the morning, and she understood. She said she would keep everything going until I got there, or I could take the day off if I wanted.
I slept surprisingly well that night. Maybe it was the beer, which we’d drunk in moderation, or maybe it was the twisted and insidious plan I had devised to make Reginald Penistiny and Maggie’s wedding a… memorable experience for them. Either way, I was happy with what we’d figured out.
I was up bright and early with a smile on my face. I heard the sounds of bacon and eggs sizzling on the stove, and the scent woke me up even more. She also had a fresh pot of coffee brewing, and that was even better! I couldn’t remember the last time that Maggie had cooked me breakfast, but dammit! Kat was, and we were just temporary roommates!
I showered and dressed in a t-shirt and jeans, since I didn’t feel like going into the shop after seeing Tim. I then joined Kat in the kitchen. “Good morning, Kat.” I smiled as I sat down at the barstool at her kitchen nook.
“Good mornin’, sunshine.” She gave me a dazzling smile. “You look a lot better this morning than when you got here last night.”
“Thanks to you and beer.” I nodded in appreciation, which got me a musical laugh. I had to laugh too, since Kat’s laugh is infectious.
“Well, here’s some eggs and bacon for you, hon. Are you comin’ in to work after you see Tim?” She set down the plate and a mug of coffee in front of me.
“Thanks, Kat. Nah, I think I’m going to take the day off. I don’t know how I’m going to react after meeting with Maggie and her lawyer for the signing.” I shrugged. “Tell you what, though. I’ll take you to lunch later, and let you know what happened.”
Kat nodded. “You better, Mac. Shit, I’m glad I ain’t going with you. If I saw that bitch, I’d probably have to smack the shit outta her.”
“That’s one reason I love ya, sweety.” I grinned. “You’re the most loyal person I know.”
“Awww, I love ya too, Boss.” She smiled sweetly as I stood up, and gave me a hug. Kat’s only 1 inch shorter than I am, so her entire body was pressed to mine as we embraced in a hug of commiseration.
“Hey, both of our exes were cheating. I’m glad you’re coping too.” I told her as I squeezed her close, then released her.
“At least they weren’t cheating with each other. Now THAT would be a cliché.” She snorted a laugh, and I had to chuckle at that one.
“True enough. But for both of us to find out on the same day? Biggest. Coincidence. Ever.” I gave her my best Comic Book Guy impression.
Kat and I both love The Simpsons, so she got it right away, and gave me a snickering laugh with a slap on the shoulder. “You’re right, Mac. Damn big coincidence, which makes that cheatin’ drug in the water sound even more plausible!”
“You and your conspiracy theories.” I rolled my eyes, giving her a mirthful smile.
“Hey, the Truth is Out There!” Kat gave me a spooky look.
When we’d finished cleaning up and loading her dishwasher, she handed me a key to her place. “It was going to go to Darius, but I think you’re gonna need it more than he will.” She smiled.
“Thanks, Kat.” I smiled, kissing her cheek again and hugging her tight. “Don’t worry, though. I’ll find my own place in a few days, and I’ll be out of your hair.”
“No rush, Mac.” She assured me. “Trust me, hon. I’d rather have you around where I can keep an eye on you, than have you on your own where only God knows what you would do by yourself. My parents went through a Divorce, so I KNOW how my daddy took it when momma left him. I’m not letting you outta my sight.”
“Ok, mom.” I smirked, and she swatted my shoulder with a cheeky smirk of her own. I’d heard about what had happened, and how her mom was mentally off balance. She hadn’t cheated on Kat’s dad, but there were other issues with her personality and mental health that led her to alcohol and finally divorcing him. I didn’t know all the details, but it wasn’t as sordid as my own situation. However, her dad had taken it hard.
For some background on our relationship, Kat and I had known each other for 20 years now. She’s 2 years older than me, but kind of kept an eye on me in school when we were kids. Back then, I was smaller than all the other boys, so I got picked on a lot. Kat was taller than most of the boys and girls already, and was well on her way to Amazon status. She stood up for me, and nobody wanted to test her.
But she wasn’t just reactive in that regard. She taught me how to stand up for myself. She taught me how to fight dirty, since my own folks wouldn’t do it. She’d learned young how to take care of herself.
By the time we were teenagers, I had finally grown up enough that I was an inch taller than her. Barely. I hit my last growth spurt during my Sophomore year of HS, and Kat had stopped growing by then. She’s 6′, and I’m 6’1″, and that was where we’ve been ever since. We’ve both filled out since our beanpole days, but we’re still in good shape. She was a hurdler on the Track team, and I played Baseball. But while Kat was good enough for a scholarship to USC, I wasn’t quite good enough at Baseball to warrant a scholarship.
So instead I’d joined the Army, and then used my G.I. Bill to go to school afterward.
When I’d started the chocolate shop just before marrying Maggie, Kat had applied for the job as Manager. She had an MBA, so I snatched her up quickly. Our first year, I couldn’t pay her very much, but once word of mouth spread, we had almost more business than we could handle. I managed to get some great people working for me, and Kat was, and is, the best of them.
I left her in charge after a year, in order to take Maggie on our belated Honeymoon. Kat had kept everything running smooth as silk over that two weeks, and after the first year, we were well on our way to paying off the bank loan, and I could even afford to give everyone a nice raise.
At the end of the third year, my shop had a miniature factory attached to it, with a sizable kitchen and everything. I secured some cocoa bean contracts, and managed to bring in some nice exotic blends.
During our fifth year, we were sending special orders of candy all throughout California, but I steadfastly refused to go franchise or anything like that. We became damn near Special Order Only, though. I was offered millions for my company, but I and my employees refused to sell. They decided that they didn’t want to work for anyone but me. If I had sold the shop, all my people would have quit.
That decided it for me. I was going to keep it a small business with my twenty employees, and we were going to just have fun and make money while doing it.
That, as it turned out, was the final nail in my coffin as far as my in-laws went. Maggie’s father wanted to “buy in” to my business and expand it. I politely but firmly shut him down, saying that I wanted to keep the business small with a family feel to it. He lit me up good, telling me that expansion was the only way to make serious money. I firmly, and less politely pointed out that I was making some serious cash already, but that I didn’t want to get greedy like him.
I idly wondered what they would think of Maggie cheating on me with, then Divorcing me in favor of Reginald Penis-tiny, and realized that I didn’t care, but that they probably approved. Old Money attracts Old Money, and the Sullivans, while not as affluent as the Penningtons, were still Old Money. Fuck it.
Kat and I left out that morning after breakfast. She went to work while I went to see Tim at his office. When I got there, Maggie hadn’t shown up yet, so we shot the shit until she arrived.
When she walked in, Tim visibly tensed. I could tell by his body language that Maggie and her lawyer weren’t the only ones present. I stood and turned, and sure enough, there was Little Dicky Pennington himself. At that moment, I wanted nothing more than to wipe the self-satisfied smirk off his face.
Instead, I ignored his offered handshake in favor of looking at Maggie. “Well, let’s get it over with.” I shrugged.
Tim went over the proposed split and everything. Since my business wasn’t funded by her money or her family’s money, and since the house was a gift from her folks since her grandparents died, those were NOT community property, and were ours. My Mustang was mine, of course. I had been restoring it since High School.
Tim surprised me. “So, you’re divorcing my client in order to marry Reginald Pennington IV. Is that correct, Mrs. MacDougall?”
The question took her aback. “Well…” She hedged.
“A simple yes or no will suffice please.” Tim wasn’t letting up on her. Her lawyer, a Gloria Allred wannabe, leaned over and whispered something in Maggie’s ear.
“Yes.” She said softly, looking down as if ashamed. Tim NEVER called her Mrs. MacDougall.
“And how soon were you planning on the nuptials?” Tim went on.
Now it was Maggie, Reggie boy, and Gloria Jr. in the huddle. They were whispering fiercely back and forth.
Tim took that opportunity to lean over and whisper in my ear “Alimony”. I just nodded back and smiled. He was trying to get me out of paying her a dime.
When the Three Stooges broke their huddle, Maggie looked at Tim again. “As soon as possible after the Divorce is final. We’ve already planned most of the wedding itself.”
Tim nodded. “And if these reports are correct…” He pulled out a detailed financial report on Reggie boy. “Mr. Pennington here is, on his own and without the multiple homes and cars he owns, solvent for nearly a billion dollars. My question, Mrs. MacDougall, is why do you want an honest, hardworking man like your husband to pay you a dime in alimony when you can just ask Mr. Pennington here for any money you wish to spend?”
Maggie once again got drawn into a huddle with Gloria Jr. and El Culo.
Tim sent me a lightning fast grin and I answered back with a grin of my own while the Three Amigos debated their next move. When they came out of the huddle, Gloria Jr. spoke up.
“What would you suggest as adequate compensation, then?” She asked, her stern look centered on me.
“Well, she can have all the furniture, not just her half. I don’t care about that.” I shrugged.
Once more into the huddle, dear friends. The whispers were more subdued this time, but finally they broke and looked at Tim.
“Agreed.” The Lawyer Bitch said.
And so it went. I didn’t have to pay alimony, but I didn’t get any of the furniture either. Gloria Jr. made the necessary changes to the Divorce papers, we all signed… except for Snake Boy, and the filing took place that very day as soon as the feminazi lawyer bitch left. As I was heading back to my car, Maggie and the Littledick came up to me.
“Angus, old boy, I hope there are no hard feelings.” Once again, he actually stuck his hand out for me to shake.
That did it. I took his hand and squeezed extremely hard, so that his face contorted in pain. “Call me Angus again, Reginald, and I will make your life a living hell. To you, I’m Mr. MacDougall. Get it?” By the time I was done talking, he was on his knees and the bones in his hand were scraping together.
“Y… Yes, Mr. Mac… MacDougall. Let me go, p… pl… please!” His face had real fear on it. I released his hand before gangrene could set in, and he breathed a sigh of relief.
“That was for calling me Angus.” I said evenly. “As far as the slut goes, no hard feelings.”
I smiled, turned, and walked towards my car. I felt good, now. I somehow got out of paying alimony, and was basically free and clear of her as soon as the Divorce was final. Oh! That reminded me. I walked back toward them as Maggie was helping Assholio to his feet.
“Maggie, before I go, I need my grandma’s engagement ring back.” I held out my hand.
Maggie looked at me like I had just fallen off another planet. Then she took it and the wedding ring off and handed them both to me.
“Thanks.” I smiled, nodding to them as I pocketed both rings and walked back to my car. I fired up the powerful V-8 and shifted it into gear as I popped the clutch and hit the gas. The car screeched its tires as I peeled out of the parking lot, leaving some rubber on the asphalt and some smoke in the air. It wasn’t something I did often, but I wanted to send a loud and clear message to the two lovebirds.
I looked in my rearview, and the Asshole was standing there dumbfounded, still clutching his right hand gingerly.
I smirked happily as I drove towards the shop. When I got there, Kat was happy to see me, as was everyone else. They all came up and hugged me or shook my hand and told me how sorry they were. I thanked them all, and told them all to get the fuck back to work. However, I said it with a smile on my face, so they knew I appreciated their efforts to help me feel better. The thing was, I was feeling pretty damn good already. Besides the lawyer fees and half the court costs, and having to give up my half of furniture I never really liked anyway, I had just managed to pull off a Bloodless Divorce.
“C’mon, Kat.” I said. “Let’s go to lunch.” I drove us there in Bullitt, and Kat loved riding in it. She could hear the rumbling of the engine under the hood and feel the power radiate from it like an aura of awesomeness.
We ate and laughed, two old friends sharing our meal and our friendship, and a new solidifying bond of recently betrayed love.
“I still can’t believe I had absolutely no fuckin’ clue that she was cheating on me!” I hissed finally, giving voice to my own haplessness when it came to being blind as far as Maggie had been concerned. “I must have really been stupid.”
“No, Mac. You were in love. Love can blind us, ya know.” Kat smiled and reached across the table, squeezing my hand.
I smiled in spite of myself. “Thanks, Kat.” I squeezed her hand back, letting her know how much I appreciated all she did for me, professionally and personally. She was way more than my Office Manager and friend. I’d come to depend on her for a long time now. First in school when I was the little kid who was smaller than everyone else. Then as the man who wanted his business to succeed, and had hired her as the most eligible and best qualified of the bunch of applicants who had applied.
“You never have to thank me, Mac. A nice bonus at the end of the year is thanks enough.” She grinned, and I laughed outright at that.
“Consider it done.” I smiled and gazed into her dark brown eyes with my dark blue orbs.
She looked away first, and I noticed a slight flush on her caramel colored face. It took me aback, but I recovered quickly even as I felt my cock start to harden. I told myself to stop it. She’s my friend, and she had just suffered a loss too.
In all our years as friends, I had never looked at Kat that way before. Never in my life had I seen her as anything but a friend, albeit a VERY beautiful friend. Sure, I noticed the fact that she’s a VERY well put together woman, as I did the previous night at her house when I’d pulled in and she’d come outside to meet me. Hell, what red blooded American male WOULDN’T notice a gorgeous Amazon like her?
But that was just something us guys do. This felt… different. I realized that I wasn’t ready for this, and quickly we got back to other topics.
After we’d finished lunch, I drove her back to the shop and dropped her off. She said she’d see me at home, so I drove up to the bluffs and looked out over the Pacific. I looked down at my left hand, and removed my ring that had sat there for the last 8 years. I reached in my pocket and pulled out Maggie’s wedding band, too. I studied them both, and just the sight of them made me sick.
I then pulled out my grandma’s engagement ring, and held all three of them together. I put the engagement ring back into my pocket, then hauled back and chucked the wedding bands out into the ocean as hard as possible. They glistened in the sun as they went over the bluffs and into the white water crashing into the rocks below.
It was symbolic to me. My marriage was dead, and that was the post-mortem. Sure, the Divorce still had to play itself out, but this was what I had to do for my own sanity, and to be able to move on.
Now, just because I’d said the eulogy for my marriage, didn’t mean that I had given up on my plan to get revenge on Maggie and Reggie boy. I thought of the line from the song “Violence and Bloodshed” that went “Payback’s a bitch, and I’m payin’ all!” I smiled as I could hear Scott Columbus on The Drums of Death, and Eric Adams belting out the lyrics while Joey DeMaio laid down the Bassline, and Ross the Boss scorched the Lead Guitar.
Some would call me vindictive and a caveman. To those I would just say “To hell with you.” Do a twenty mile road march in my boots, THEN judge me.
3 months later, it was all settled. Joint accounts were split 50/50. During that time, Kat and I coexisted as roomies, and got along great. Nobody cared at work that we were “living together”. The huge surprise was when we got home one night and found the wedding invitations in the mail.
Huh. Maggie hadn’t been kidding. They had the wedding scheduled a month from the formal Divorce decree. I grinned at Kat, and she grinned back.
“Ok, now it’s go time.” I said evilly as I drove us to Costco.
Finding out the caterer for the wedding was easy. He’d wanted to do business with us a few months back, but it had fallen through. I decided to… ahem… “give him another chance”, and do negotiate it all out myself, this time around.
What got me laughing a LOT was that Maggie was going to wear white, as was Reggie boy in his Navy Dress Whites. He’d been a Naval Aviator back during the early days of the war, while I’d been in Captain Drake’s Alpha Team. The dumptruck couldn’t even wear a normal black tux, it seemed.
I paid a visit to the caterer, a few nights before the wedding, and replaced the chocolate cake mix with my own special blend. I grinned like a Cheshire cat as I replaced the cake mix with a chocolate tasting something extra. No, it wasn’t poison. It was just something that would make Maggie and Reggie boy’s wedding pretty damned unforgettable… for everyone involved.
Now, what I was doing COULD be compared to a High School prank, only done with a lot more style. But dammit, I had to get some back! They’d hung the horns on me for 8 months before blindsiding me with the Divorce papers. Granted, she had been VERY conciliatory in the Divorce, and I was left with just a broken heart. However, that broken heart was going to cost them.
I kept Kat apprised of what was going on, and she laughed hard when I told her that “Operation: Mud Flap” was a go.
The Invitation included the Reception, which was where the real entertainment would begin. The morning of the wedding, Kat and I showered simultaneously, and no, we didn’t shower together. Although, in the past several months, we had grown closer. We were, however, still gun shy about relationships, and I for one was worried about ruining our friendship by taking it to the next level. I’m just glad that she had those tank-less water heaters installed.
When I was dressed in my Armani suit, I waited in the living room until Kat was ready.
“Well, am I presentable?” She asked as I was watching a UCLA Football game. I turned to look at her, and my jaw hit the floor.
Before me was a vision of loveliness that would be difficult to describe. But I’ll try anyway. Kat was wearing an emerald green dress that hugged her curves like a glove. The shimmery material clung to her as if it was in love with her body, and didn’t want to be separated from it. Her hair was done in a shoulder length style that framed her lovely face perfectly. Her full luscious lips were painted a sultry red, and her green eye shadow complemented her dress perfectly. She wore 1 inch pumps, which put her at the exact same height as me. Her toned calves were on display, and the 1 inchers showed them off perfectly. Her generous bust was barely restrained by the top of her dress, and as she twirled around, I was given a glimpse of her caramel colored back. Good God!
“You look amazing.” I said when I was finally able to form coherent words.
She grinned a perfect smile. “Thanks, Mac. You look pretty damn fine, yourself.”
I blushed at that one. “Thanks, Kat.” I said as we headed out the door.
We drove to the church. Ironically enough, Billy Idol’s “White Wedding” was playing on the radio. As Bullitt pulled into the parking lot, people turned and stared as the big V-8 announced our arrival. Every guest there besides us was Upper Crust Old Money. Ok, this was going to be even more fun than I’d anticipated!
We showed our invitations to the bouncer at the door. Ok, “bouncer” might be too generous of a term. He looked to be one of Reggie boy’s NoNeck security goons that accompanied him to public events. It seems that the Penningtons have made some enemies over the years with their business practices, thereby making the NoNecks necessary. That didn’t surprise me in the least. Reggie boy’s family is of the school of “Do Unto Others Before They Do It To You.” Their version of The Golden Rule. Or it could be “He Who Hath The Gold, Maketh The Rules.”
And from the looks of disdain that Kat and I were getting from the Snobbish Elite, I felt even better about what was going to happen this fine day.
As we took our seats in the pew, I leaned over to Kat and whispered in her ear. “Remember not to eat anything chocolate at the reception.”
She gave me a soft giggle at that, and kissed me quickly on the cheek.
The service was long and boring, typical Catholic wedding. I had to fight several times to keep from falling asleep, but whatever.
Reggie looked admittedly dashing in his Navy uniform. Another reason to hate the turd. He had been a Navy officer before resigning his commission to go into business with his family. His Annapolis class ring glinted and gleamed as he waited for Maggie to walk down the aisle.
Then the Wedding March began to play, and here she came, her snobby ass father by her side. I remembered our wedding, and how he’d been scowling at me the entire time. Now, however, he was beaming with pride that his “darling little girl” was finally marrying someone of her own station. I wanted to punch the shithead in the face, but refrained. All would be paid in full at the Reception.
So it went. I won’t bore you with the mundane details of the wedding vows (that she didn’t take seriously, the first time around), or the exchanging of rings (that she shit on with her affair with the Asshole), or anything else for that matter.
Then I won a Best Actor Oscar, Emmy, Tony, and Golden Globe all at once when I congratulated the both of them as we got to the Reception. Kat would have won for Best Actress, since she had taken Maggie’s betrayal of me as a betrayal of everyone who worked for me and had loved her like a sister, too.
Reggie rubbed it in my face with another “Angus, old boy, I hope there really are no hard feelings. The better man won out in the end.”
It took every bit of self-control I had not to pound him into the ground, wreck his testicles, elbows, knees, and make his plastic surgeon a VERY rich man with a full face workup. Instead, I said “You’re right. The better man did win.” After which I grabbed a mildly surprised Kat and kissed her with everything I had.
Kat froze for an instant, then returned my kiss with enthusiasm. Right there in front of Reggie and Maggie, I claimed Kat with my lips and tongue.
That first kiss was amazing! Everything around us disappeared for a moment as our tongues dueled, then danced slowly, and her arms came up around my neck as her fingers ran through my hair. Her nipples hardened against my chest, and my cock hardened against her thigh.
As we broke the kiss, Kat looked at Reggie and Maggie. “Yeah, the best man really did win.” She winked, and left the “Happy Couple” standing there with their mouths hanging open.
We shared a grin as we took our assigned places, and we had some Lobster for dinner. It was actually damn good. Then it was time for the real entertainment as the wedding cake was wheeled out. Reggie and Maggie did the ceremonial cutting of the cake, and the ceremonial cake in face for both of them. Everyone laughed, and people went up to get a piece of cake for themselves. We decided to wait for the end of the line, since it was going to be one hell of a show.
Sure enough, as soon as we got to the cake itself, all fuckin’ hell started breaking loose.
It started with a fart from the bride, of all people. Not just a soft poot, either. The ripper could be heard from across the dining hall. It was followed by a resounding ripper from the groom himself. I glanced in their direction, and said “You’re excused!” in a loud voice, which caused some chuckles from the Snobbish Elite around me. Oh, they weren’t going to be spared, however.
Then Maggie got a surprised look on her face as a gurgling sound escaped from her, followed quickly by an expression of pure horror. Reginald’s face scrunched up as he smelled something foul, then let loose with his own gurgling sound from his ass. They looked at each other in horror as more farts and gurgles were heard from the rest of the guests.
Maggie and Reggie boy were up and running as quickly as they could, and I could see brown fluid dripping on the floor from beneath her dress, followed by Reggie trying to hide the spreading brown stain on the back of his Dress White pants. Both were making a mad dash for the restrooms, and were soon followed by more guests as they realized that they had just shit themselves.
Kat and I left quickly and quietly, and were sitting in Bullitt when we couldn’t hold our laughter anymore. We both had tears streaming down our faces as we damn near busted our guts laughing so hard.
“Oh my God, Mac!” Kat laughed, then held her stomach as she guffawed. I was laughing just as hard as she was.
“Do you think I used too much?” I said between tear filled bouts of laughter.
“How fast does that shit work?!” She laughed again.
“Well, the boxes at Costco said it worked well, but not to use too much of it.” I snickered as our laughter finally died down a bit.
“How many boxes did you pour into the cake mix?!” She asked incredulously.
“All of them.” I smiled serenely, causing Kat to just about die laughing again.
I’d used a powdered chocolate flavored laxative and poured it into the boxes of cake mix that the caterers had set aside for the Pennington wedding. The cake and cupcakes were almost pure laxative, since I’d dumped out most of the cake mix boxes and replaced them with the powdered laxative. I’d also poured some in with the regular cake mix, so that it wouldn’t be TOO strong.
But damn! I didn’t expect it to work THAT fast! That was just the icing on the cake (HA HA).
The night I’d gone to the caterer, it was ostensibly to work out a contract with him for the chocolate my factory made. He’d contacted me a few months prior, and I’d promised to get back to him. I told him that we’d been a little backlogged, due to several of my team members getting sick, but once we were back up and running, I was able to take some samples to him. He had a greedy look in his eyes as he thought I was going to give him what he wanted.
When he’d given me a tour of the place, he showed me the kitchen, and had even pointed out that they were catering the Pennington wedding. I’d already known, of course, but he didn’t know that the bride was my cheating gold digging ex-wife. I played nice, then as soon as he told his people to knock off for the day, he went back to his office after shaking my hand. He said he would get the paperwork drawn up for the contract, and would let me and Tim know when it was finished. However, I think he must have forgotten all about that contract in the days that followed the wedding itself.
As soon as everyone was gone, and I left his office, I made for the back door to the kitchen, propped it open, then drove my car around. I switched out the powdered cake mix for the powdered chocolate laxative, and left. I made sure the door to the kitchen latched, and made sure that I didn’t leave any boxes that I’d brought with me behind.
One thing Captain Drake had taught us back when I was in was to never leave a trace behind. He’s a good guy. Last I heard, he’d resigned his commission and was now a History Professor at UCLA.
By the day of the wedding, all the evidence was gone. Nothing could tie me to the Super-Lax cake. Only Kat and I knew of the plan, and she wasn’t talking.
When Kat and I made it back to our place, she looked at me seriously. “Mac, that kiss earlier…” She started.
“Kat, I know I was out of line, but you look so beautiful, and I couldn’t help myself.” I blurted. She put a finger to my lips.
“Let me finish, baby.” She said. “That kiss earlier was the best damn kiss I’ve ever had. You’re a good man, and damn fine for a white boy. What I’m trying to say is that I think we could be good together.” She was blushing somewhat, and I leaned in and kissed her slowly.
Our lips touched, and hers parted to accept my tongue in her mouth. We kissed lovingly and tenderly, and I couldn’t help but feel that I had been missing out on something so good for so long.
As our lips finally parted, we looked into each other’s eyes. “I think we’d be good together too. Only one way to find out.” I smiled, and she smiled back.
Once inside, we kissed slowly again. I slipped the straps of her dress off her shoulders as I kissed her. My hands found her bare breasts and squeezed lovingly. Her nipples hardened in my palms. We finally broke the kiss, and I lowered my mouth to her dark chocolate Hershey’s Kiss nipples.
“Mmmm I want you to fuck me, baby.” She moaned as I sucked and licked her perfect breasts.
“Do you want me to fuck you hard, sexy lady?” I asked in a growl, my mouth finding hers and our tongues dueling hard.
She broke the kiss first. “Fuck yes I do! I want that big fuckin’ cock deep up in my hot little pussy!” She snarled back as she stroked me through my pants.
I broke all land speed records getting naked, and getting her naked with me. Her hands stroked my back and neck as our bodies came together. The feel of her skin on mine was electric, and I kissed her hard and passionately again as I laid her down on the bed.
She spread her legs for me as I moved between them, and grasped my cock to put inside her. She rubbed the head of my cock between her soaking wet pussylips, then showed me to paradise when she inserted the head into her pussy.
I thrust forward slowly as she gasped. “Gimme that dick, baby!” She moaned as I started thrusting faster and harder.
There was no finesse, that first time. She wanted to get fucked hard, and I was more than happy to oblige her. She screamed as her nails raked down my back, and I roared as I unleashed a torrent of cum inside her. I then collapsed on top of her, and her legs wrapped around my back as we clung to each other desperately, trying to catch our breath.
She slowly unwrapped her long luscious legs from around my waist, and I slumped to the side of her, landing on my side. She ran her hand down the side of my face lovingly as she gave me a smile of satisfaction. “Wow, Mac! What the fuck was that bitch thinkin’?”
“You mean you didn’t see the dollar signs in her eyes as she walked down the aisle?” I smirked. “Kat, I’m not as rich as the Penningtons, or Reginald Penis-tiny in particular, but trust me when I say that I will NEVER leave you hanging in bed.”
“Penis-tiny.” She laughed long and loud. “You mean Mr. Brownshorts?”
“Yeah, they should probably legally change their last name now.” I agreed while chuckling.
As we came down from the latest round of laughter, I pulled Kat to me and kissed her again. My cock hardened again and Kat noticed.
“Damn, baby! You’re hard again already?!” She exclaimed, stroking my cock gently.
“You do it for me.” I shrugged.
“Must be jungle fever.” She diagnosed.
“Well, maybe. But if it is, I’m pretty sure it’s a permanent case.” I agreed as I recaptured her lips and moved back between her spread thighs.
This time we made love long and slow, neither of us hurrying to the finish as we had the first time. That had been born of lust and need. This time was born of love and gentleness. Kat had never been made love to, before. She would tell me later that all the guys she’d been with had just wanted to fuck, and hadn’t really cared about her needs. I aimed to change that, and change it I did.
We spent the entire rest of the day and night in bed together, and we both came a lot. We showered together, then fell into bed for a 69. After that, she laid claim to me by grabbing ahold of my cock and saying “This is mine!” She then mounted me and inserted my cock into her hot wet tight cunt and said “And this is yours! Any questions?”
Needless to say, I didn’t have any questions.
Now, some may ask why I set up the caterer the way I did. The problem was that Sal, the owner, had made a pass at Kat when she’d first gone over there to negotiate with him, back when he’d first shown interest in doing business with us. After slapping Sal upside the head when he got too fresh, she came back and said that we shouldn’t do business with him.
What changed was when they were announced as the caterers for the Pennington wedding, and I saw the opportunity to kill two birds with one stone, so to speak.
The fallout from the “Brown Wedding”, as the press put it, was instantaneous! The News channels and Newspapers ran it the next day, and there were great shots and video of the bride, groom, and guests running for the toilets off the dining hall. I had all the guys and girls from the shop over at Kat’s house with us to watch the festivities. None of the scenes there showed us, but everyone knew we’d been there. We all laughed so hard we cried as the Snobbish Elite ran for the toilets as if their asses were exploding. Needless to say, a LOT of Upper Crusty Snobs were thoroughly embarrassed by the shots of them struggling to keep the brown stuff from stinking up the place too badly.
The only people I felt sorry for were the janitors who had to clean all that mess up afterwards.
Of course, about a week after the wedding fiasco, the cops came around asking questions. Kat and I had attended the wedding, but we both said that we left when the shitstorm (HA HA) happened, as we were worried about our own health. We kept straight faces during our interviews, and only died laughing after the Detectives had left. We never heard from them again.
Reggie boy sued the caterer, but Sal the caterer skipped the country rather than pay the settlement. Last we heard, he’d lit out for Italy, where he was from. Not sure what happened to him after that.
Reginald Pennington The Fourth was caught in bed with another man’s wife, less than a year after the wedding. Who caught him? Her husband, and he was NOT very nice to Reggie boy. He’d called Maggie up, and she’d had a few choice things to say to Reggie when she’d gotten to the offended hubby’s house.
Maggie was on the doorstep of our new house shortly after that. At least Reginald ended up losing a testicle in the ensuing melee. It seemed that while she’d had no problem cheating, herself. She absolutely wouldn’t STAND for her hubby cheating on her. Kind of a double standard, wouldn’t you agree?
Yes, Kat and I moved into a larger place, since her little two bedroom just wasn’t quite big enough. A four bedroom ranch style was our new abode, and I had it halfway paid off by the end of the first year.
It seemed that Reggie boy had made Maggie sign a pre-nup saying that if she filed for Divorce for any reason, she walked away with nothing but what she had brought into the marriage. She still had her 125K a year job, but that was it. No billions for Maggie Sullivan. It was late the following year when we heard a knock on the door. Kat was 4 months pregnant, so I gave her a quick kiss and jumped up to grab the door myself.
I answered the door to a crying Maggie. “What do you want, Maggie?” I asked in a neutral tone.
“I’m sorry, Mac. So sorry for everything!” She sobbed.
“Hey, you were the one who wanted to trade up.” I shrugged. “What happened?”
“I caught Reginald cheating on me.” She admitted as she sobbed even harder.
“Wow. Tough break!” I said sarcastically.
“Mac, I’m really sorry. I was wondering if there might be any chance…” She cut herself off as she saw a pregnant Kat walk up from behind me.
“Baby, who is it?” I heard Kat ask as she came alongside me. She smiled at Maggie.
“It’s Maggie, and she was just leaving.” I said as I slammed the door in my ex’s face.
I threw the deadbolt and took Kat in my arms. “She’s the past. You’re my future. I love you, sweetheart.”
“Aww, I love you too, baby!” She said as she kissed me.
Kat and I had eloped shortly after we found out she was pregnant. A small civil ceremony, which was her idea, and we were Husband and Wife. She’s still my Manager at the shop, and she’s still one of my best friends.
I love my wife.