It was the night before moving out when it finally happened. Something I had dreamed about for years, but was too ashamed to talk about…
I had always thought of my mother as attractive. She was in her late forties, and I in my early twenties. She was short, only five feet tall, with green eyes and curly blonde hair. I was pretty athletic looking, about six feet with short brown hair and some recent tattoos. I had definitely gotten a lot better looking since going to college, and my confidence was at an all-time high.
I’m not sure when I actually started becoming intimately attracted to my mother. I’d say I was 18 or 19, when I was jerking off and suddenly there it was: an image of my naked mother in my head. I was shocked at first and ashamed of thinking such a thing, and yet I felt insanely aroused, and I couldn’t help myself. I came harder than ever before, and immediately felt ashamed of what I had done and vowed to never do it again. But as the years went by, I masturbated to the thought of having my mother again and again. I couldn’t hold back. It felt so wrong, but so right at the same time. I began to have dreams at night as well of having sex with my mother. I would wake up with a raging hard on and would have to jerk off right away, and the feeling of shame came again.
As the years went by, I entered college. I used to be very close to my mother, but the distance and strange feelings I had toward her started to keep us apart. Summers would be unbearable to my desires as well, as my father would constantly be away from the house on business trips for days at a time, leaving me and my mother alone in the house. The summer after graduating college was very sad and frustrating, as I began my plans to move across the country to get on with my own life. I was now 23. Every time I would talk about leaving I could see my mother’s eyes tear up, but what could I say to her? That I was moving away to avoid the day when I couldn’t imagine having her anymore and made a mistake of trying something for real?
The day before the big move across the country my mother and I were sitting out by our pool. My dad of course was gone on business as usual. My mother was laying out in the sun tanning, her beautiful body glistening in the sun. I couldn’t tear my eyes away from her, taking in every inch of her exposed skin. I could feel myself start to get hard and quickly turned away. Suddenly my mother sat up and looked at me, starting to tear up again.
“So you’re really gonna leave me, huh?” she asked.
“Mom, stop,” I replied. “There’s nothing for me around here, you know that. I have to get on with my life.” I started to feel choked up a little bit.
“So I mean nothing to you?”
“That’s not what I mean…”
Was it an accident, or on purpose? I noticed my mother’s bikini had slipped a bit, exposing a nipple. My heart jumped in my throat as I tried to look away, but couldn’t. My mother looked down, and gasped, looking embarrassed. “Sorry hunny,” she muttered, and quickly went back into the house, leaving me hard again.