“I know it being your birthday and all that you want to hang out with your friends, so thank you for allowing me the time to have this conversation with you. You’re eighteen years old today, Jeremy, and I know that by all rights and means you are an adult now, but it means something else, too. Something more.
“You see, Jeremy, there is a tradition that my side of the family has celebrated for centuries upon end, a tradition that has been captured in this ledger I now hold. Look. Here is my name written alongside your grandfather’s, and above that is his name written next to his mother’s, and above that her name written next to her father’s. This ledger goes as far back as the pre-antebellum South. Daddy told me that his grandfather told him that the true history stretched as far back as Colonial times, but those documents were destroyed in the wake of the Salem witch trials as anything not perceived as the norm would have been associated with Satan had it ever come to light, and self-preservation being what it is and all …
“Anyway, if you haven’t already guessed, this ledger details the incestuous relationships our family has enjoyed throughout the ages. I can tell by that look in your eye that you’re a bit shocked at this revelation, but probably more so that I would be holding a conversation with you concerning such subject matter. Like I said, though: Today you are eighteen, which means that you have a singular opportunity ahead of you. You have the opportunity to keep this tradition alive, Jeremy, or you have the opportunity to lay it to rest forever. Personally, I hope you choose to continue it, but when all is said and done, the choice is yours alone to make.
“If you choose to continue it, you will be opening yourself up to a wonderful experience that can be a one-time deal, or last as long as you like. To give you an example of that, Daddy said his mother told him that she simply lost her virginity to her father, and that was that. Daddy, on the other hand, told me that he and Grandmama had sex up until the time he married. Insofar as I am concerned, your grandfather and I had sex up until a week before he died a few years back. I found comfort in being with him, and you may well find that very thing with me should you choose to pursue this.
“The original purpose of this tradition was to prepare the eighteen-year-old for life as a married person by taking his or her virginity, but it has grown into something more, something deeper and more loving. Or, it can just be about the sex and nothing more. It all depends on how you wish to define it.
“I know one of the thoughts going through your head right now is How can we do this with Dad around all the time? There are ways around that, such as when he’s at work or when he’s playing golf or whatever. As long as it is feasible, I will never deny you. There is just one proviso, though, and you need to give it much thought before deciding.
“You have twenty-four hours from now to make up your mind about this. If you decide to do it, then all is fine. If you decide against it, however, I will burn the book and we will never discuss this again. That means you have just one opportunity to make this happen, Jeremy, so whatever you decide, be sure it’s the choice you can live with.
“I’m sure you’ve got a lot of questions, and I will be happy to answer those questions should you
decide to move forward with this. If not, then the questions don’t really matter anyway, do they? Go on with your friends and have a good time, now. Be home by six, though, as your father is taking us out for your birthday.”
Boy, that was a lot for me to wrap my mind around. As I made my way to my friend Stephen’s house, I still couldn’t believe that my own mother was offering herself to me for sex for as long as I wanted her. I finally understood what Grandpa meant all those years ago when I’d complain about how strict Mom was and he’d say, “You don’t realize it yet, but you’re a lucky, lucky boy. You’ll see one day.” Well, that day had come. After hearing everything Mom had to say, was I truly lucky? I pulled into Stephen’s to find Mark and Johnny there as well.
“About time,” Mark said as I exited my car. “Thought we were going to have to do these tequila shots all by ourselves.” We quickly did two, then made our way to Stephen’s back patio where we stripped down to our skivvies poolside.
“What took you?” Stephen asked as he filled the shot glasses again.
“Uh … Porn,” I said with a laugh.
“Who was it?” Johnny asked.
I wanted to gauge my friends’ reaction to my mother’s proposition, so I created a semi-fictitious scenario. “Actually … You know how you click on one thing and pretty soon you’re, like, ten or fifteen links into something else?” They all acknowledged this. “Anyway, I was on this site where people were talking about the strangest things they have ever received as gifts.”
“Like what?” Mark asked.
“Well, this one guy said his girlfriend set up a threesome with her twin sister, and they actually went down on each other.”
“Cool,” Stephen said.
“There was another where this guy said he awoke to his grandma blowing him, and when she finished, she said, ‘Happy Valentine’s Day.'”
Silence, then Johnny said, “That’s pretty sweet in a weird sort of way.”
“Really?” Mark asked.
“Hey, just sayin’,” Johnny said. “Are you telling me that if you woke up and your granny was slobbin’ your knob that you’d tell her to stop?”
“Well …” Mark offered after some thought.
“Yeah, but that last one,” I said. “This guy said that his mother offered to train him in sex on his
“No shit,” Stephen said.
“Really!” Johnny added.
“What did he do?” Mark asked.
“He said he did it,” I answered, “and he said that even though he’s been married for fifteen years now, he and his mother still hook up at least once a week.”
“Wow, that’s fucking awesome,” Mark said.
“Awesome?” Stephen asked.
“Isn’t it?” Mark asked in return. “Imagine if your mom offered to train you to be the perfect lover, and you both enjoyed it so much that you still hooked up even after you were married. Are you telling me that wouldn’t be awesome?”
Stephen looked at Johnny and said, “Before I answer that, what would you do?”
“Well, you guys have seen my mom,” Johnny said with a laugh. “She’s fucking hot, so yeah, if she offered to train me in sex, I’d do it.”
“Jeremy?” Stephen asked of me.
“All this talk has me curious,” I said, “so, yeah, I guess I would.”
“Fuck it,” Stephen said. “I’d fuck my mom, too.” He poured us another shot and we toasted fucking our moms should the chance ever present itself. As I downed mine, I knew my decision was already made.
I called Mom at five-fifteen and told her the truth. “Stephen bought me a bottle of tequila for my birthday and we’ve been doing shots all day. Although I think I could make it, I don’t want to chance driving. Can you pick me up?”
“I’ll be there in fifteen minutes,” she told me. “Be waiting out front.” I was, and I hopped into her Lexus when she pulled up. “I’m disappointed that you got drunk, Jeremy, but you showed great maturity in calling me.”