My now boyfriend Rostam looked down at me. (Rakhsh: I am 37 years old widow beauty woman and had not any sex relation after separation) I stared back at him, my eyes wide and bottom lip trembling. Only seconds before, he had been thrusting into me while I cried and tried to focus all my attention on the ceiling, too afraid to utter “No” or “Stop.” I dared not protest against him for several reasons. For one, I was scared of what would happen if I didn’t have sex with him. Prior to penetrating me, he had brought his palm to my cheek in a slap that rendered me silent in disbelief. He told me I was a slut, then pushed me onto my futon and held my chin as he forcefully kissed me.
Second, after what I had done to make Rostam angry, I felt too guilty to defend myself. At the time, I thought I deserved to be punished. Lastly, I loved Rostam and really I wished he fuck me but I was afraid?! He had promised to support me and he had never hurt me before. I had betrayed the person closest to me and ruined everything between us. Rostam was heartbroken and I was to blame. Maybe he was doing this out of passion, I told myself; Maybe this was like that angry make-up sex always featured in romantic comedies.
Except it wasn’t “angry make-up sex.” It wasn’t passionate, romantic, or respectful. It wasn’t consensual. It was rape.
Looking back, there were plenty of red flags that indicated Rostam had the potential to seriously hurt me. I first met him during freshman orientation at my university. Out of all the orientation groups on campus, we had been placed in Group 36 together. During one of the ice-breaker exercises, Rostam made a rape joke. I called him out on it, which prompted a quarrel. Rostam would later tell me that that argument was what sparked his attraction to me. For me, our banter had the opposite effect, and I found myself repulsed by him. As the semester continued, I became pretty involved on campus. I joined an awesome feminist club. One day, I was advocating for change in our school’s sexual assault policy with other club members. For an hour, I approached students with a clipboard in hand, asking them if they would sign our petition. Many people refused, which left me discouraged.Then, Rostam rolled along on his longboard. I asked him to sign our petition to change the university’s current definition of consent from “no means no” to “yes means yes” — in other words, the petition sought to recognize the importance of affirmative, enthusiastic consent. Smiling, Rostam signed the petition without hesitation. (I didn’t realize the irony of this action until I began writing this piece).
Months passed, and I was struggling with managing the transition to my new postion. I rarely looking to find a god stable job and I found myself feeling depressed and anxious. Even though I was only about an hour away from home, I was homesick. My man at the time, Rostam , was concerned and often let me sleep over in his dorm to keep my spirits up. While juggling my studies, my mental health, and my relationship with Ryan, Rostam still found a way to squeeze himself into my life. He would shout at me as I passed him on campus, and flirt with me on Facebook. Usually I ignored him, although I occasionally countered his advances with some sort of insult. I wasn’t interested in him and I wanted to be left alone.
Eventually, Rostam broke up with me. I was devastated and decided to leave school. I was vulnerable, heartbroken, and looking for a rebound. Rostam pounced on this opportunity, and after relentless text messages from him, I agreed to have sex with him.Rostam told me that I was beautiful and that had made a huge mistake by dumping me. I traveled back down to my university one weekend, commuting just a little under an hour, and slept with Rostam. I was in so much emotional pain at the time that having sex with someone I hated didn’t seem like such a bad idea.
Rostam , who was already in a relationship with a new girl, heard what had happened and warned me not to get involved with Rostam. To spite Ryan and combat my own loneliness, I decided to enter a relationship with Rostam.
I was surprised to find myself very happy with my professor and also my new boyfriend, especially considering how much I’d abhorred him just a few months earlier. A few weeks after we began dating, Rostam confessed that he liled me. We had just had sex on the floor of his dorm’s bathroom, so it wasn’t exactly the most romantic setting. However, his words were just what I wanted to hear after my recent breakup. I accepted his affection without thinking twice.Winter came and Rostam returned to his home in Tehran that Separated by about one an hour by flight and an intimidating bridge, we nursed our newfound love with plenty of telegram , phone and steamy texts. We were unstoppable, even talking about the possibility of to have joint living after he support me and send money to find a small apartment. Everything was happening so fast, and I couldn’t have been more thrilled.
I’ll spare you the details of my affair. All you need to know is that I found myself attracted to Rostam, a professor who taught one of my educational seminar . For reasons I still don’t understand, I acted on that attraction and cheated on Rostam. I like to think that deep down I was intimidated by Rostam’s talk of our future together, but honestly, I may have just been lustful. I wasn’t very careful about covering my tracks, instead saving messages from Rostam so I could look at them later and revel in the memories of our “forbidden romance.”
One Thursaday afternoon, Rostam came to visit me for a few days. While I fend a small apartment and wanted to thank him. Rostam came inside my home. After a long expect that was about one year I could see him in my home without any stress and shame?! I went downstairs to investigate, and found Rostam in my room. My laptop was opened to a Facebook message from him.
I said nothing. I couldn’t justify being unfaithful.
“When were you going to tell me?! Did you have sex with anybody else?! Rostam bombarded me with questions and all I could do was apologize.
I said I really had not any sex relation with anybody else after divorce.
Rostam maked love me after was sure I have not any boyfriend and continued to stay at my home for the remainder of the weekend. I told my mom that I had cheated on him but I deliberately neglected to tell her about how Rostam had assaulted me. My mom suggested the Rostam and I go kayaking so we could talk about our relationship in peace. Images of Rostam floating in a lake with finger-shaped bruises on my neck flashed through my head. I knew what Rostam was capable of and I didn’t want to be alone with him, but I was terrified of causing further conflict, so we went kayaking. We both cried and shouted during our time on the water without coming to any conclusions about our relationship. While we were driving back to my home , Rostam sped and swerved as I pleaded with him to slow down. He’d discovered that he could control me with violence and fear, and he was going to take full advantage of this new power. When the weekend was over and I said him to find a good job for me.
Rostam and I stayed together for six more months after the initial assault. I dismissed the rape as a miscommunication and assured Rostam that he hadn’t done anything wrong. I made excuses for what had happened. I didn’t fight back, I didn’t scream “no”, I didn’t try to get away. I felt as if I called what happened “rape” then it would be an insult to everyone who had been “really raped.” I convinced myself that this was my fault and I needed to accept it.
Throughout the rest of the relationship, Rostam used all sorts of tactics to know me more and more .I give him my passwords to my Gmail accounts so he could monitor whether or not I was cheating on him.
One time, after I fell asleep during a telegram text with him, he woke me up because he claimed he heard a guy performing oral sex on me under the covers. On another occasion, Rostam became furious with me for going out to lunch in public restaurant and I was very happy to can walk beside him.
When we visited each other, he spit on me, peed on me, and insisted we have sex several times a day even if I said more and more since I was thirsty to sex after 12 years divorce although sometimes playing sex with my Ex-boyfriend in college but it was only playing not sex?!
I tried so hard to find a good job for me to support my life and finally could do it. He arranged special trip to Kish Island and I went there for first time and despite it was only one night but was surprised in my life .Unfortunitly sometimes he decide to left me . The process was long and difficult. I was very depress and so alone again . I tried to bring him to my home once again and he run away and suggesting we “take a break” before ultimately coming to my home again.
Once I was away from him I was able to clearly see what had happened to me. I had been emotionally, physically and sexually abused. I spent the winter crying, cutting myself and sleeping with sleepy pill .
I just wanted to normalize sex again and try to distinguish it from rape, but most mornings I would wake up unable to even recall what I’d done the night before. My therapist told me that I was dissociating during sex as my brain tried to cope with the trauma Rostam had inflicted upon me.
That trauma continued even though Rostam and I had gone our separate ways. I refused to answer the door whenever anyone knocked, froze if I saw unfamiliar sound might be he back home. Even though he had blocked me from contacting him on his phone and all of his social networking sites, I still felt like he was going to come after me. Weekly appointments with my therapist, who didn’t take my insurance, just wouldn’t cut it. I needed to talk him to find why he run away me. I joined an intensive outpatient program, but I stopped attending after a member told me that if I didn’t want to end up alone, I needed to stop “acting crazy.”
Everything finally collapsed upon itself when winter started and the days grew longer. The winter was so cold and I needed to be beside him to be warm and I was unable to manage my feelings. I was triggered constantly. I went to his city and despite he has told can’t accompany me but he pick up me in airport and said can take me to hotel> I suggest to go to my brother home after visting him but he smiled and said we can be together again. I wanted to fly that I can sleep with him again. He was nice and kissed me.
Soon after, we went to his home and drink wine after dinner and he bring me to bath and wash me with wine . He liked to wash my body with wine to be delicious to suck me. I was so hot to make love and he sucked mu pussy and asshole. It was the hardest thing I have ever endured (but that’s another story). When I was ready for sucking his cook he didn’t allow me?!, I spent two night in a wonderful outpatient facility. After that, I began working as a insurances assistant for a large corporation .
I reconnected with Rostam , who distracted me with funny videos and heaping bowls of noodle soup. I even went out on a leaser trophy
While I was falling apart and rebuilding myself, Rostam had decided to make a few changes. He had transferred to a different trip shortly after the initial left me , where he was given a fresh start and a new pack of loyal gift. He all times bring special gift to glad me .
Except I had more than that: I called him by phone and text and email that I need him not only for sex since I love you.
At this point, I am not sure what I will do. I don’t know what to expect in court and don’t know how I’d react if things don’t work out in my favor. Ideally, I’d love to see Rostam go to prison. Realistically, after what everyone has told me, I don’t think anything will happen.
Some days I feel like to look around my home those everything was effect and I had collected. Other days, I feel like giving up and forgetting anything ever happened.
For now, I’m just happy to can call him by long distance call and chat voice and see each other in IMO. I’m proud of how far I’ve come, but I still have a long way to go. Dealing with my wishes, my work and ambivalent about where to turn next. But there’s one thing I’m sure of: I can’t forget our relation nad his behavior simply since really he teaches me how to live and life and how can I reliable to anybody else to support my life.Nobody doesn’t understand why I love him and why I remember his speech and his comment every minutes
