“If it doesn’t work again, I bet it’s your fault. I’m tired of all this. We’re in our forties now. Maybe nature is saying something. You’re not as young as these women having babies, even later in life.”
“Dad, you shouldn’t talk to Mom like that. She’s plenty young, and I bet this time it’s going to work.”
“I’ll talk to my wife any way I want. Don’t you forget that, Mister. I’m still the man of the house and what I say goes. Got it?”
“Got it,” Danny said.
“And what do you know about what works and what doesn’t? Are you all of a sudden a fertility expert with some magic spell? Are you a big man who’s going to guarantee results? You don’t know what you’re talking about. As usual.”
“This time I DO know something that’s going to make you eat your words.”
“Danny!” I said while grabbing his arm. I didn’t want him to blurt out something that was forever going to damage relationships. “Stop you two. Let’s just have a nice visit for a change.”
“I’m just saying you’re not the woman you once were. You have to admit that, Jen. With me it’s the accident you caused. With me it’s obvious. With you it’s little things about the way you act, your body—”
“I think Mom has a great body!”
“Every mama’s boy does. Believe me, she’s let herself go in a lot of ways. I’m only saying what you’ve told me, Jen.”
Melvin, in his mean-spirited way, was betraying all the little confidences I had told him over the years. All the self-examinations and critical comments I had made about myself. Melvin was using these to tear down my self-esteem in front of my son. And it was working. I had walked in here feeling wonderful, and now, now I had a hard time holding back my tears.
We stayed another twenty minutes, and Melvin hammered mercilessly at us both. Whether it was the bitterness over this latest operation, or his skepticism over me getting pregnant, I don’t know.
In the car, Danny said, “You don’t know how much I wanted to tell Dad about yesterday. About how I’m really a man.”
“You know you can never do that. Neither of us can ever do that. He’s so cruel now, but that’s not how he was. You remember. If only one of these operations would take.”
“It’s funny to feel this bad after feeling so good yesterday,” he said.
“I know what you mean.” I was devastated by Melvin’s words. He tore into my physical and emotional being, breaking down any confidence I had built. On top of that, I had to deal with what I had let Danny do. And on top of that, I had a gnawing frustration that I had imposed on myself by holding back my sexual release the day before. It was increasing rather than easing away.
Suddenly, behind the wheel, my tears began to flow. All of it, everything was suddenly too much to handle. They began silently, but soon I had my face in my hands and sobbed.
“Don’t cry, Mom. It’ll be all right. Dad doesn’t know how much he hurts with his words.”
“He’s only thinking of himself. He doesn’t know how much I miss having a man at home that can take care of things. Take care of me … and you,” I sniffled. I felt the world was falling down, right on top of me.